…and learning everything you never wanted to know about the stranger in the car in front of you.

I have a cold; sinuses, something – so I can’t remember what exactly it was that I saw on a car the other day that prompted this post.  I guess it doesn’t matter though because it seems everyday you get behind an asshole that really wants to push their agenda on you.  Or tell you all about their family.  Or that they love their husbands or wives.  Seriously, have you seen those stickers?

I get it.  I mean, you want to express your love to the world, but these just seem a bit silly to me.  I guess it should go without saying that if someone is your husband or wife that you love them, right?  For some reason, I also have this opinion (that I know is not fair) that the wives put the “I <3 my Wife” sticker on their husbands cars.  Or the husband did something bad and the wife said “Yeah?  Well, I’ll forgive you if you put this sticker on your car so the entire world knows you love me and you’re all mine and you want to take me shopping for new shoes this weekend”.  I’m sorry, but I just cannot see even the most romantic guy putting this thing on his own car.

Then there’s this horrible, horrible, no good and stupid trend that is exploding onto back windows everywhere.  Stick figure families.  I cannot drive anywhere in a single day and not get behind one SUV with these stupid stickers on the back.  Not only do they look stupid but they also seem like a stalker or pedophiles dream come true.  “Let’s see, this one has one boy and one girl!  Goodie!  Wait, they also have a dog.  Shit!  OH, but this one has TWO little girls and a THREE little boys!”  Don’t even get me started on putting their names below the stickers.  How safe do you think this is, people?  And have you ever noticed the mother (who is usually driving around with the empty SUV) looks so angry and depressed when she gets out?  She does NOT look like that cheery skinny stick figure that is jumping up in the air surrounded by her perfectly happy family, dog and two cats.  I want to cut out some really tiny number 11′s and start slapping them on the sticker’s right between the eyes, because that’s what most of those mothers look like.  The only member of this family that looks to have an accurate description is that cat.  You know with all of those damn kids running around it never gets a peaceful moment.  It’s tail is always being pulled or slobbered on by some baby and there’s never anywhere to hide without some kid reaching it’s tiny little chocolate covered and sticky fingers in to pull it out.  THAT cat is pissed and does not want to be a part of your family.  Oh, and they also hate riding in cars.

Let’s not forget when they tried to make these stupid things even more cute and likable and showing that this picture perfect family also loves Disney!  They love Disney SO much that they put Mickey Mouse ears on all of the family members.  Awww! It’s a small worlddddd after allll.  Right, Jane, Jimmy, Karen, Billy?  Only not so small that I want to get to know you from the back window of your angry and tired mom’s SUV.

I have to admit this one is KIND OF cute, but I’d still never put it on my car.  Mostly because the kids look like they have a turd on their heads.

Instead, I want this one.

Then there are people who just love to decorate their cars.  These people do not make me curious about the state their home is in.

Do you see that?  Not only do these people want to make sure you realize they’re from the south and love to deer hunt, but they really drove the point home with screwing (or probably duct-taping) actual deer antlers ONTO THEIR TOOLBOX.  I know that if I couldn’t do any better than shooting a 4 pointer, I’d probably give up. Get ‘er done.

OH, now I remember what I saw that inspired this post.  I got behind a truck the other day at a light and of course you’re just sitting there, staring at…things.  So I look at his bumper and in the left corner is a sticker that says “Easy Does It”.  Ok…that’s weird, but whatever.  The right corner had a sticker using the same font that said “Try it Sober”.  At this point I’m thinking, this person likes really boring sex.  In between those two bumper stickers were two more with a triangle on them, and an AA in the middle.  Ohhh, now I get it!  Dude is in Alcohol Anonymous and he’s really proud.  I think that’s awesome, personally.  He’s obviously taking steps to assure that his life is happier and healthier.  Then, in the dead center of all of that I see his license plate.  “BRENT”.  Good luck on your sobriety, but you’re not so anonymous anymore there, buddy.